Divorce: The First Year
As the months roll on during a divorce, new stresses are added to what have become old familiar ones. In spite of the best of intentions to keep things running smoothly at home for the children's sake; the single-parent home during the first post-divorce year is apt to descend, if not into chaos, at least into a state of domestic disorganization. Daily routines tend to deteriorate: rather than sitting down together for meals, for example, divorced mothers and their children are less apt to eat dinner together. The children's bedtimes become more erratic, and the children are less apt to be read bedtime stories or to be given regular baths. In the morning disorganization begins anew; children of divorce during this period are likely to be late for school.
The emotional states of the recently divorced parents seem to be as shattered as their household routines. Both parents continue to feel increasingly anxious, depressed, angry, rejected, and incompetent. The financial burden of supporting two households hangs heavy on the fathers, who, more than married men, tend to take on heavier workloads - but to do them less effectively. Post divorce stress caused these men to sleep less, and when they did, to sleep in erratic patterns. At the same time, the mothers were concerned with feeling less attractive physically, losing the status of a married woman, and feeling generally helpless. These feelings were compounded in parents who were older or who had been married the longest.
The single parent's relationship with the children also becomes strained during the first year. The divorcing mother especially seems to lose a lot of her effectiveness. And a vicious cycle can begin, primarily with sons. During this period, single parents communicate less with their children, and when they do, they communicate badly. In two-parent families, mothers traditionally give more than twice as many household commands as do fathers. In single parent families, the command ratio escalates, and boys start to talk back. The conflict is almost inevitable. Single parents simply do not have the energy or the patience to reason endlessly with their children as to why they should brush their teeth or walk the dog. And the coercive cycle between the demands of single mothers and defiant sons begins.
During the first year, preoccupied single parents often show less affection toward their children than do married parents and tend to be inconsistent in maintaining discipline as well. With no backup from the absent parent, the single parent often just gives in, or gives up. Many single parents also seem to lose confidence in helping their children move toward independence, as if unwilling to accept more of risk in their already overstretched lives. Rather than encouraging mature behavior in their children, anxious single mothers tend to be more restrictive and overprotective, which in turn promotes infantile behavior in the very same children these overburdened mothers wish could take more responsibility.
Mothers and fathers also treat the children very differently during the first phases of divorce, which exacerbates the problems even more. Fathers, anxious to spend pleasurable time with their children and not to risk losing their love, often become overly permissive and indulgent, turning more into Santa Claus figures than authoritative ones. To counteract the "every day is Christmas" syndrome that comes with visiting the father, the mother is forced into the role of unloved despot.
